Monday, March 26, 2012

"Come Monday"

At my wedding I chose a nontraditional song for the dance with my father.

Some people choose songs like "Butterfly Kisses" or things like that. All beautiful songs and all encompassing the love a father has for his daughter.

I, however, chose a song that was different. Just as I had with the first dance with my husband. Just how I always choose something "different" I'm not one to go for the ordinary.

The song I chose was " Come Monday" by Jimmy Buffett. It wasn't written for Jimmy Buffet's daughter, but in my heart the song was meant for me and my dad.

My dad introduced me to Jimmy Buffett- first with " Cheeseburger in Paradise" and then introducing me to the rest of his album(s) as time when on.

"Come Monday" is about a man who travels and is away from his love. It always reminds me of my dad, who traveled a lot for work and was away from me (not to mention divorced from my mom).

I always remember the lines " I spent four lonely days in a brown LA haze and I just want you back by my side" and think of my dad, traveling for work, staying in hotels, and missing me.

I remember on our visits, sitting in his lap before he would drop me off, listening to this song and crying. Crying because I didn't wan thim to leave. Crying because I knew how much I would miss him. No matter how few days out of the year I saw my dad, we held a special bond, and no matter what he was only a phone call away and I could talk to him about anything at anytime. To this day- no matter what time it is (even if it's 2 in the morning) he always answers my call.

So, long before I was married, this song was picked out. It symbolized how much time we spent away from each other, how we missed each other and how when we saw each other "Come Monday" it would all be all right.

Even now I can't listen to the song especially the lines " And honey I didn't know, that'd be missing you so, Come Monday, it'll be alright, Come Monday I'll be holding you tight" and " I just can't wait to see you again" without it bringing me to tears. Most of the time when my dad visits I cry when he leaves. I love him and love having him around. I am thankful for the visits he makes to see me and the kids, but I think I'll will always long for that "Monday" to come...

I love you dad.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I wonder. An ode to an old friend.

There is someone in my life.

Well someone who used to be more actively in my life. I don't think about her everyday, but I think of her often.

We haven't really talked for years and most of the people I know now have no clue of the importance she holds in my life. But she has and always will have a spot in my heart.

It's funny how the heart works, and no matter what length of time has gone by I always considered her more like a real sister than a friend any day. Even though I couldn't tell you her favorite color, or her favorite TV show, or where she works. I have no clue if she's dating someone or what her hopes and dream are... anymore.

But nonetheless she has an irreplaceable spot in my heart.

I miss her.

I wish she knew my daughter, and where I worked and my hopes and dreams. I wish there was a way we could get back to the days of playing in cardboard boxes and forts. There isn't- we're two different people now and we've grown up and grown away.

But I still miss her and wonder if she thinks the same about me.

I wonder if she will read this and know I am talking about her.

I wonder if she knows I forgive her- and that I hope against hope I can be present when she finally meets the prince charming she deserves so badly and decides to say "I Do"

I wonder if she knows I worry about her and think she deserves the world.

I wonder and watch from afar, keep her in my thoughts, and hope she is happy, because she deserves it.

I wonder if she knows how much she deserves it.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Can Ambition Be A Bad Thing?

Ambition often has a positive association to it.

Being ambitious is a GOOD thing. In order to be something great you NEED ambition.

However, can being TOO ambitious be dangerous? Can it cause you to lose sight of reality and what's practical?

I have extremely high expectations for myself in my career. I want to be extremely successful, I want to be the best. In order to do that I need to take big risks... and I am.

I am doing this for myself and doing this for my family. I could have a mediocre comfortable life in a cushy position, or I can have an extraordinary life in a position that makes me work for every cent, or I could fail miserably and lose it all.

I chose to go for the dream of working hard and living an extraordinary life. The problem with this is that choosing to do this means taking big risks that don't have immediate pay off. Choosing to do something that will be rewarding down the line, but not right away.

The problem with this is I have a family now. I have mouths to feed, people to clothe and put a roof over. I have responsibilities. I wasn't able to take the route of being successful first and having responsibility later. I have all of it at once.

Could my ambition for greatness hurt my family? Can you still chase risky dreams when you have people who depend on you?

I have found myself asking these questions lately. Am I being selfish trying to fulfill my own dream for myself and my family, when I could easily lower my standards and not have so much at stake?

There are big and amazing rewards to be had if I am successful, however there is that chance of falling hard on my face and failing miserably.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Not to be discouraging... but...

This post is not intended to be discouraging, I am honestly interested in hearing some feedback.

I read a lot of bloggers that talk about when they admitted they had PPD/PPA and all the support they got afterwards. I have advocated for others to immediately tell their doctor, immediately reach out, and know that there is support and you can get better.

Then, I talk about PPA myself... and... silence.


So, does this mean not all moms suffering PPD/PPA aren't created equal? Is it "false advertising" to tell people to speak up with a promise of automatically having a support system?

I'm going to be honest, and it may piss some of you off, but it's the truth.

I have tried to reach out for help... nothing.

I have disclosed the paralyzing fear I feel way too often... nothing.

I have described how these fears and thoughts physically make me ill and make it almost impossibly to sleep... nothing.

I have talked about my lack of sleep due to the constant worry, rapidly beating heart, and nervousness... nothing.

Do I blame anyone for this? No. But, and this is for the apparent small percentage of people who thought they could get help/support/understanding they needed but didn't) It's OK to feel pissed off/furious

There isn't always going to be a huge support system that comes to you with open arms. Sometimes you have to be accountable for yourself and suck it up.

Sometimes, you have to do it on you own.

The good news? You CAN do it alone, is it ideal? No, but it can be done. It may not be easy, it may be lonely, but keep your eye on the prize, STAY STRONG and you'll come out on top feeling proud of yourself for getting through it.

Have you had to be your own personal motivator? How did you help yourself get better?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Dear Lils

Dear Lils,

This isn't a special day or month or milestone. This is just a letter. I haven't written one to you in awhile. I wanted to be one of those amazing moms who write something every month, or even ever year. I wanted to be one of those moms who filled out your baby book precisely, noted all your milestones accurately, and was all around perfect so you could have a myriad of books and pictures documenting your life.

I am not one of those moms. Before I was a mom, I wasn't that type of person. When I write it's not on a deadline, or because of a special day, it's just happens.

So today, my sweet girl, I write to you not because of a special day or a special milestone, but just because.

Everyday I look at you, I can't believe how beautiful you are, how someone I helped create could be so stunning, even at the young age of 2. It's still so surreal to me. How did I get so lucky?

This definitely has to be my favorite age thus far. I love hearing you say " I love you mommy" I love watching you get excited when I make popcorn, or when you say "cheers" when we eat. I am in awe of how smart you are and love watching the pride in your face as you show off your sign language skills- mommy is so proud of you. I know you are destined for great things... as long as you use your powers for good ;)

There is a quote I read over and over again that is the closest thing that comes to explaining the bond I feel with you:

" No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows how my heart sounds from the inside"

No matter that, no one knows the sound of my heart better than you. No one else knows how it felt when you moved for the very first time, your first hiccup, it's something I cherish and feel so thankful we have these special moments between us. You are my everything. Maybe when you're all grown up I will reveal all of the good you have done for me, but for now I choose to let you in on our little secret and let you know, you make me happy.

Before I go, I also want you to know that I am 100% OK coming in second place to "Dadda." :) Watching the love you have for each other is everything I ever dreamed of. Words won't do my feelings justice- I could never explain how much the relationship between you two means to me.

I love you gorgeous girl. Until next time...

"Kisses and Huggie"


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Phew! Weight = Lifted

I saw this post by baby rabies. It's an older one, but I just came across it recently and felt relieved to find someone else who had "mommy visions" like I had. Not visions of hurting myself or my baby, but "mommy visions." Visions of bad things happening. Impending doom looming over my head, like those rain clouds you see in cartoons that follow the character around and then at random lightning strikes. It's like that.

Lightning strike = mommy vision

With all the PPD/PPA stuff out there I hadn't come across something like this.
I know there are tons of stories out there, but none of them touched on the EXACT feelings I had. Her post, however, was something that really struck a chord within me. Because these "mommy visions" paralyze me all.the.time.


Middle of the day stroll to the ladies room then suddenly, STRIKE mommy vision.

Driving home from work STRIKE mommy vision

Thinking about our future family vacay STRIKE mommy vision

I tweeted babyrabies immediately after reading her post and asked her if they ever stopped.

She replied and what stuck out most about our conversation is when she said something along the lines of we have to "trudge through it." When she said those words, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. If felt good to hear it was "normal" for having to trudge through this anxiety.

If you didn't know already I have severe anxiety that became more recognizable when I became pregnant. I'm not sure if it was caused by pregnancy, since it was an issue I had dealt with for several years, but it got worse the further along I got in my pregnancy and and once I have my baby.

Even in the happiest of times there seems to always an "impending doom" lingering in the back of my mind. Happiness scares the crap out of me because I am so worried that when I settle in the being happy I will be blindsided with some kind of tragedy.

For awhile I thought I was un-fixable because I took all the right steps to "getting better" and still had to deal with this. It felt good to know that someone else who took all the steps to getting better still had to deal with this- like I said it made me feel "normal."

If you're someone who has a similar story please leave a comment or tweet me (@hollshappily) I'd love to hear from others who have felt similar.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

My blog is going through an identity crisis

My blog has been going through an identity crisis.

Is it a mom blog?

Beauty blog?

General Life style blog?

Personal journal?

All of the above?

None of the above?

I have been trying to make this place "into" something. Force this place to be something that just isn't working. Yes this is all my own writing, but with each post I feel like I have a different goal in mind.

For some reason I am writing for an audience. An audience I don't really have and can't really categorize.

I need to write for myself, I skipped a few steps in trying to follow the footsteps of my fellow bloggers who already have a following.

So from this point forward I am going to write for me. Good, bad and ugly.

I wondered if I should even write this post because people might find it weird. But since I am just writing for me and a "wiping the slate clean" post is what will make me feel better so, I'm doing it.

Slate you are officially wiped clean (and just in time for 2012)!