Friday, November 27, 2009

One Day Late...

Thanksgiving was a hectic day- so hectic that I fell asleep before I could even think about what I am thankful for. So now as my daughter and my love are sleeping, I have a chance to reflect:

I am thankful for Jdance. I have known her forever, I speak to her multiple times almost everyday and I don't know what I would do without her. I don't think I could thank her enough for what she has done for me.

I am thankful for all of my amazing friends. I don't think I can express enough how much their love and support means to me.

I am thankful for the girls I met on TB (you know who you are!) that helped me through the "unknowns" of pregnancy. Those months would have been a helluva lot harder without your support, stories, and tough love.

I am thankful that I can finally stop living with regrets and appreciate all the twists and turns my life has taken. All the good and bad experiences got me where I am today, which is exactly where I want to be.

I am thankful for my family and their unconditional love. Mom and Dad, I love you so much and will never be able to repay you for all the good you have done for me- but I sure will try :)

I am thankful I still get to watch my little brother grow up, even though I have moved out.

I am thankful for my future step son and that he is so sweet with his little sister.

I am thankful to be marrying into one of the best families I have ever seen- my daughter will grow up surrounded by so much love I couldn't ask for anything better.

I am thankful for my future mother in law and sister in law. They are two of my favorite people, I am so happy to have them in my life.

I am thankful for having such an easy labor (even though it was still traumatizing!)

I am thankful for my daughter and that she is healthy and smiling, and coos, and is so darn cute I can't take it and those big blue eyes and the way she moves her mouth right before she is about to cry, and when she looks at me when she is eating, and when J holds her and she looks over his shoulder, and I could go on forever...

I am thankful that although J saw the the horrific gory details of labor- he still thinks I am beautiful.

I am thankful I found J or that he found me. He is my everything. He has made me a better person and happier than I can ever imagine. He is amazing, I can't and will not imagine life without him.

Now... mama is tired and talking about J makes me want to go hold him close- so that is exactly what I am going to do! G'night all!


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I held my daughter today

I held my daughter today. Not because she was screaming and I needed to calm her down, or feed her,or rock her to sleep. I just held her. I did it because I could, because she is so small, because I love the way she grabs my arm and how she rocks her head and looks at the world around her with those big beautiful eyes. I held her because I could. It felt amazing.

These past 6 weeks have not been easy. Dealing with colic or reflux or a generally fussy baby has been exhausting. Mentally and physically. It took a lot out of me trying to soothe her and figuring out after the 6th time of trying to give her the bottle, or burp her, or rock her, that maybe she just wanted to cry. I haven't been able to enjoy her as much as I'd like too- it's hard. It's HARD, really hard, like nothing you can ever imagine. However, today was different. I held her peacefully, I closed my eyes and rubbed her head against my cheek. I stroked her hair, I kissed those cute as hell chubby cheeks and I held her. It felt amazing.

The bonus? Lost of smiles. She smiles now... a lot. It makes the times when she is screaming much easier to get through. I know she will be smiling again, she always does. She smiles when I call her precious girl and touch her nose, she smiles when J goes in for a kiss, she smiles when I rub her head when she has just woken up. She smiles now and it's wonderful.

Monday, November 23, 2009

"Do you, do you like dreaming of things so impossible?"

"Or only the practical? Or out of this world? Waiting through all your bad bad days just to end them with someone you care about..." So Impossible by Dashboard Confessional.

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. It's about just meeting someone you're interested in and wanting to learn everything about them. It's romantic and makes my heart swoon whenever I hear it. It makes me feel "young again" even though I know I'm not old. It also reminds me of a time in my life where I was more in tuned with my emotions. I used to spend a lot of time dreaming and writing and thinking. Now I spend my time more realistically, I don't search through songs and books for the perfect quote to match my mood that day- I don't take the time for introspection about my thoughts or what is going on in my life. These things just aren't practical and are too time consuming and wouldn't have an affect on anyone else if I didn't do them. However, remembering this part of my life, I remember how much happiness it would give me- how it was such a big part of who I was, I guess who I still am. It used to be like therapy to me, and I would come out feeling energized and ready to take on the world. I was able to go through each of my emotions and deal with them and come out with a new perspective.

I think maybe this side of me has resurfaced- and it's about time.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"And When The Day Is Done My Momma's Still My Biggest Fan"

I don't know what line is more true than that. I don't know why this just suddenly clicked today- I have listened to that song a million times and never thought anything of it. Today, however, a light bulb went off. My mom really is my biggest fan! She is always proud of me and will take any excuse to brag- even when I have done things that have without a doubt disappointed her, embarrassed her and even hurt her feelings.

No matter what she is always on my side- I remember one time when I scratched some guy's car (actually I argue he scratched mine- we sort of rubbed each other on the road, very weird. Even weirder he tried asking me out on a date after all this...but back to the story) both his parents called me on three way to try and intimidate me- when I told my mom about it she said- and I quote "nobody messes with my daughter!" I was young and new to driving and it felt so good to have her on my side.

Now that I have my own daughter I find myself wondering what our relationship will be. Will I be a good mother? Will she feel like she can talk to me about anything? How can I make sure she trusts me? How can I make sure to raise her to fully meet her potential? These are only a few of the millions of questions I ask myself when thinking about how I will be as a mother. I hope she will always know that she can count on me for anything at anytime, just like I know I can count on my mom.

Oh and if you are wondering, the song is "Who I Am" by Jessica Andrews it's a great song!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Here comes the bride!!!

So I went and picked out my wedding dress today. I went with my BFF and maid of honor... we'll call her Jdance... My future sister in law (also a bridesmaid)we'll call her Miss... and my mom (of course!!). It was so surreal. I think I am still in shock that I actually experienced this. At first I was worried I wouldn't like anything on me because of my size (here's where that dreaded triple P comes in) and the first few dresses were nothing special. I kept looking at Jdance, Miss and my mom hoping to see a good reaction- but nothing- they weren't too impressed either. Or one of them would like one dress and the other wouldn't really like it. I wanted all three of them to love my dress.

Then there was one... I really thought it was going to look just OK but as soon as I put it on I was shocked. I loved it- it looked like a "Holls" dress. Sparkley, form fitted, mermaid, a-symmetrical, STUNNING. I walked out- nervous and hoping they girls would feel the same and they did! As soon as they saw me I knew I had their approval. They all loved it. I added a veil and headpiece to get the real feel and it just made the over all look that much better. I really looked like I was ready to get married!

I almost didn't try on any other dresses- but there was one we had all been eying and decided what the hell couldn't hurt to try it on. This dress was beautiful- a perfect bridal dress. It was fitted at the top and poofy at the bottom with random flowers bunched up- it was such a classic dress. I felt like a real bride in this dress- it was really fabulous. However, there was one thing missing. The sparkle. I can't live with out the sparkle. It just wouldn't be a "Holls" dress if it was missing.

I put "the dress" back on and the girls immediately saw it was the right dress. They could tell by my face that is one was perfect. You really do "just know" when you put on the right dress.

So- thank you to my awesome mother- we purchased the stunning sparkly dress. I would post pictures- but don't want to give it away just yet :)

Holy crap I can't believe I just picked out my wedding dress. Seriously... did I really just do that???? I have been dreaming about this dress for my whole life and I finally have it!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The dreaded triple "P"

AKA Post Pregnancy Pouch. It's something you can only understand after you have had a baby. We all dread the way we will look after giving birth- but have no clue how annoying it is until we experience it for ourselves. I have 15 more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-preg weight. Not to mention I want to look like a hawt mama for my wedding and honeymoon- you'd think that would be motivation- however here I am typing out a blog post instead of doing my time on the elliptical (that I nagged and nagged my fiancee to pull out so I could get in shape).

I just don't feeeeeeel like going ALL the way down stairs right now- I mean in between feedings, changing, calming, and cleaning sitting down for a little while seems really necessary. However I know in a few weeks if I keep this up I will remind myself that if I had just taken the time to do it, I would already see results. I only worked out once this week- I swore I would do it everyday, or at least three times a week.

I really need to get myself into a routine and force myself to get in shape! Not only to look better, but to be healthier. Maybe tomorrow will be different...

A side note:

Mom- I love you very much and really appreciate everything you do for me (including watching baby Samantha while I indulge in some shopping and cocktails with my BFF tomorrow:))

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Happy One Month Little Cupcake!!!

My little one is one month today :) I really can't believe the time has gone by so fast. I know everyone says that, but really. I'm STILL trying to wrap my head around the fact I actually gave birth and she is already a month old??

Here are some pictures from when she was first born:
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Aaaaand here she is now:
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