Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I held my daughter today

I held my daughter today. Not because she was screaming and I needed to calm her down, or feed her,or rock her to sleep. I just held her. I did it because I could, because she is so small, because I love the way she grabs my arm and how she rocks her head and looks at the world around her with those big beautiful eyes. I held her because I could. It felt amazing.

These past 6 weeks have not been easy. Dealing with colic or reflux or a generally fussy baby has been exhausting. Mentally and physically. It took a lot out of me trying to soothe her and figuring out after the 6th time of trying to give her the bottle, or burp her, or rock her, that maybe she just wanted to cry. I haven't been able to enjoy her as much as I'd like too- it's hard. It's HARD, really hard, like nothing you can ever imagine. However, today was different. I held her peacefully, I closed my eyes and rubbed her head against my cheek. I stroked her hair, I kissed those cute as hell chubby cheeks and I held her. It felt amazing.

The bonus? Lost of smiles. She smiles now... a lot. It makes the times when she is screaming much easier to get through. I know she will be smiling again, she always does. She smiles when I call her precious girl and touch her nose, she smiles when J goes in for a kiss, she smiles when I rub her head when she has just woken up. She smiles now and it's wonderful.

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