Sunday, March 20, 2011

This is not Inspiring.

I found myself saying, quite frequently. "I had a baby {insert number of months} ago" or "well I've had a kid so..." or something along those lines and it always felt so... dishonest. Because honestly if you work your ass off and eat right you can look like a super model after you have a baby ::ducks from stones being thrown:: seriously... it's possible.

Truth be told? I look pretty much the same as I always have, minus the claw marks and the odd looking pooch/bellybutton (I've always had a pooch but now it has a new look thanks to my abs separating :)). Having a baby didn't give me love handles. Having a baby didn't give me a pooch or any of the other issues I have with my body.

I did this all on my own. For the past ten years I have grabbed handfuls of flab in disgust. For the past ten years I have yo-yo dieted. For the past ten years I have never seen real results. EVER. It's easy to use the excuse "well I'm a mom now soooo..." but really that isn't to truth, and anytime I DO use it I just feel so sucky about it because like I said, it just isn't true.

I am the way I am because of me. Because I don't know how to motivate myself to actually get the results I want. Because I don't know how to accept my body for the way it is. Because I don't know how to just be happy being me. I am 100% average. Not over weight, not super model skinny. I am smack dab in the middle of my healthy body range. I am average. on top of being average I'm really flabby, hence the handfuls of skin/fat I can grab off my body. Not to mention the jiggle effect (which is evermore enhance by the fact I am so pale I'm almost transparent).

I'm not sure why the fact that I feel so disgusted with myself hasn't motivated me to work out more and eat healthy regularly. I'm not sure why none of the 100000 weight loss programs or rather "life style" changes I have tried haven't worked.

I hate looking at myself in the mirror and the way my clothes fit. Why the hell haven't I been able to do something about it. FOR TEN YEARS NONETHELESS! It's frustrating. When is something going to click? When am I going to put eating rgiht and exercising before wanting to lay on the couch and veg out bc I've had a bad day or because I've had an awesome day or because I'm just lazy?

What the hell is it going to take for it to "click" for me.

I know there are so man other woman who feel this way... there has to be.

Maybe I need to save up and get a nutritionist/ ]healthy coach. I have spent the past ten years trying to take the most inexpensive easy way out. Maybe I really do need to invest in something?

Maybe I need to stop spending time making a plan and just "doing"

No matter what my next move is... it will be with my end goal in mind. Something, at some point has to work... right?

This pity party is getting old and each year that passes makes it that much more pathetic.