Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Phew! Weight = Lifted

I saw this post by baby rabies. It's an older one, but I just came across it recently and felt relieved to find someone else who had "mommy visions" like I had. Not visions of hurting myself or my baby, but "mommy visions." Visions of bad things happening. Impending doom looming over my head, like those rain clouds you see in cartoons that follow the character around and then at random lightning strikes. It's like that.

Lightning strike = mommy vision

With all the PPD/PPA stuff out there I hadn't come across something like this.
I know there are tons of stories out there, but none of them touched on the EXACT feelings I had. Her post, however, was something that really struck a chord within me. Because these "mommy visions" paralyze me all.the.time.

Examples:

Middle of the day stroll to the ladies room then suddenly, STRIKE mommy vision.

Driving home from work STRIKE mommy vision

Thinking about our future family vacay STRIKE mommy vision

I tweeted babyrabies immediately after reading her post and asked her if they ever stopped.

She replied and what stuck out most about our conversation is when she said something along the lines of we have to "trudge through it." When she said those words, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. If felt good to hear it was "normal" for having to trudge through this anxiety.

If you didn't know already I have severe anxiety that became more recognizable when I became pregnant. I'm not sure if it was caused by pregnancy, since it was an issue I had dealt with for several years, but it got worse the further along I got in my pregnancy and and once I have my baby.

Even in the happiest of times there seems to always an "impending doom" lingering in the back of my mind. Happiness scares the crap out of me because I am so worried that when I settle in the being happy I will be blindsided with some kind of tragedy.

For awhile I thought I was un-fixable because I took all the right steps to "getting better" and still had to deal with this. It felt good to know that someone else who took all the steps to getting better still had to deal with this- like I said it made me feel "normal."

If you're someone who has a similar story please leave a comment or tweet me (@hollshappily) I'd love to hear from others who have felt similar.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

My blog is going through an identity crisis

My blog has been going through an identity crisis.

Is it a mom blog?

Beauty blog?

General Life style blog?

Personal journal?

All of the above?

None of the above?

I have been trying to make this place "into" something. Force this place to be something that just isn't working. Yes this is all my own writing, but with each post I feel like I have a different goal in mind.

For some reason I am writing for an audience. An audience I don't really have and can't really categorize.

I need to write for myself, I skipped a few steps in trying to follow the footsteps of my fellow bloggers who already have a following.

So from this point forward I am going to write for me. Good, bad and ugly.

I wondered if I should even write this post because people might find it weird. But since I am just writing for me and a "wiping the slate clean" post is what will make me feel better so, I'm doing it.


Slate you are officially wiped clean (and just in time for 2012)!